The Path of Least Resistance... untaken.

I think we all, as parents, go through that moment or two within our years of raising children when we feel like failures... like somehow someway we have failed our child(ren) in some manner, that if we somehow did it differently or took that advice that went unheeded, maybe they'd have been better off. Well, today is that day for me. I don't know what has gone wrong, where I didn't put forth enough effort or guide/lead in the correct way... but somewhere, I feel like I have failed my kids.

Today, as we returned home (Asilyn, Kailyn, and I), within minutes, my daughters were at blows with one another. Now I'm not saying that in all their years of being sisters they haven't fought or found the other annoying at some point. No, there definitely has been that in abundance. Today, however, was a little different. Today, there were fists to faces, hands pulling hair, screaming, crying... pure anger with one another. And as I'm breaking up this fight, pulling these two miniture people off of one another, I can't help but to think, where did I go wrong? At what point in my own discipline, my own teachings with them did they come to think that THIS was how to solve problems? I mean, I get it, I know they're 5 and 3... however, I know I didn't teach my children to hit in adversity, to rely on sheer force to get what you want... I KNOW I didn't!!! Yet somehow, here they are!! What did I do wrong?!?!?! Luckily they are young enough to guide and mold, and so with the instigator (surprisingly enough, Kailyn) in timeout and a little doctoring to Asilyn's face, I had a talk with both girls... deeply impressing upon them that this in NOT acceptable, that this doesn't solve the problem, it just made it worse!! My oldest daughter gets it I know, not so sure about the youngest, which is frustrating when she was the one behind the whole thing... but after an apology from Kailyn and a quiet "I forgive you" from Asilyn, a hug and a kiss later, they're now best friends again and all is right within their world.... except mine.

There goes my over-analysis of everything... trying to figure out the why of the situation rather than accept it for what it is and move on. One thing that does help me overcome my own feelings of failure is the thought of what God must go through several millions of times a day with us. I mean, we are all His children, and I imagine the love that we have for our own can only be compareable to a fraction of a fraction to the love He holds for us. Therefore in a sense would feel this feeling even more? Do you think He looks down on us when we think no one else can see what we're doing, watching us fall into sin after sin after sin by choice, willingly allowing the demons of this world to come into our lives, our home, our hearts... and feels a ping of regret? Just a feeling of "what did I do wrong? Did I not show you enough love? Did I not guide you in this way? Did I not bless you with all that you have? Where did I go wrong that would have you willingly CHOOSE this lifestyle?" No... probably not, because He HAS done everything to draw us closer to Him, but also gave free will so that we may choose him. He would have nothing to regret or second guess, more just a feeling of sadness that he wasn't chosen by us. That would be extremely painful for me, loving my children as much as I do, to love & provide for them all of their lives just to have them turn their backs on me, to not talk to me, to not accredit all I have done for them, as if I haven't done anything at all.... to blantantly say "yeah I know you raised me to behave like this, buuuuut I'm gonna do my own thing in my own time.... maybe later". That'd hurt doubtlessly. And yet even still, He loves us. As I still love my girls regardless of their behaviors and choices of today. But I'll, like Jesus, continue to hold out hope that one day, they'll fully comprehend what I've been trying to teach them all this time, that each lesson only brings them closer to a more prosperous life, that if the advice & guidance were heeded, Heaven awaits.

In the end, I guess the feeling of failures only makes a person want to try that much harder to get it right. For me, anyway. It's the moment when you give up that should draw the most concern, have a person looking within to find where the point of "not caring" came in, examine the demons you've willing allowed in your life and clean house! If ever there comes a point where they aren't worth the effort, that throwing in the towel seems more desireable than persisting in the lesson, just remember, and THANK GOD, that He never gave up on you! Up until our last breath on earth he is rooting in our corner, setting a path before you regardless of how many times we've taken the harder route, and never EVER said the words "I give up!"

Thanks for listening, and Until Next Time,